first reading

pending fluency

before phonics, i read books of creatures,
announced emu to my grandfather’s
startlement & then it was time for

real school. the gray stone building
behind the chain link fence, waves of
traffic in the intersection behind it

where rows, where walls, where
flag, clock, map, crucifix
announced some portent by fluorescent
light. but this, i could not read

or else the body read it first: tongue refusing
the sounds, mouth rejecting the syntax
of that space, coughing up whatever

obedience it was given. sick
every morning over asphalt in the parking lot,
then silence. head bowed, entered

& learned to conjugate what was called
education, a force
with unknown weathers

where beyond multiplication tables
another alphabet coalesced offshore
the widening gyre a storm

then sick again, then home. i went to kneel
near my grandmother’s gloved hands,
over roots threaded through soft beds where

she kept her beloved impatiens
and a running conversation with visiting
birds.

too late to be ancient, like whales, too late
for the soft womb of the far sea.
a creature learns the weather
it must live inside
learns to hear
them

& here
it was too late for lessons in first language but
not for the memory of how she opened

the mouth of her
o

notes on getting grown

with monsters

One of the scariest parts about turning from child to older is the expectation that you will know where you are going. One monster leaves her legs behind before flying. Another can be kept from finding itself again by a sprinkle of salt.

Spend long enough studying these things and eventually you stop asking whether they’re real and start asking different questions.

Where is the nearest river?
How much water is left?
Where are the birds going now?

The Vetala prefers fresh bodies because they still know how to speak.
Fill the bathtub before the water pressure drops.
Kelpies cry before storms.
If lost, leave footprints in mud or snow.

Distress signals come in threes.
Most demons look ordinary.
Emergency flashlights are hanging from the shower hooks.

Turn your ears toward distant sounds like a cat.
Three syllable words work best.
Project your voice:

Internet.
Coconut.
Spaghetti.

ochild

notes toward a minor crossing

one day
I will tell you in music
what I mean

and show
by the curve
of my bowed back

this violin

and wait
while you remember

and say
by this instrument—

listen

I will show you
the sound a bird means

singing

above her heart
pounding

too fast
for you to follow

while alive

and I will say gently

try baby

and for a moment

you will

and you will
try baby

still alive

(meaning what?)

then
you will know
what I mean

enough
for us to leave

and be still again

Thought of a Tear

Telling home.

When the night does not end by shatter of night, but by sunrise,
and beneath this sun, roots hold, if a son of the land should
find beside him a living daughter and beneath the sun, root
to hold beneath the land of ruins and holding, find water––
and if the water should make it to the lips of a child in time,
the child may yet grow. To tell a story. It will begin: We lived.
And the still living will hear it and be moved. To sing it back,
hands to the sun, We––

Carriers

Of flesh and earth.

Here comes another to be named,
where naming will not capture
her back. This is some other place now,
where the mountaintop froze above
its consecrated ground, above
these walls, their trumpets,
our removal.

Alice wakes, weeping snowmelt.
How easily we reason, but
this sight may come too late.
Blind mice run from the knife.
and here is our mirror-girl again,
after the rabbit. Heralds, run.
The gaze is silver. Its illuminating fire
now spent.

We figure one another out of living,
from a dream not remembered.
Take off your shoes, daughter.
Drip tears into ash. Time leaks
a sermon from the eyes
of its messengers where words
are impossible, back into the open
mouth.

Hot Mess

Heart on display.

How much I aspire to be cool and collected, contained. But this skin is too thin. She barely holds me in. Sometimes I wonder if she even tries. I think she’s up to something else sometimes, conspiring with my aching knee and the way I bleed. And bleed. And with this shaking hand. To this tentative form I might complain, why do you betray me? But while I am mostly dumb, even I can recognize the wrong in that note. Of all her acts, betrayal of my life has never been one. She’s like an excited child with something just made and far from ready to be displayed to any standards of the moment, but she doesn’t know this like she doesn’t know sleek or cool or style or mood she is tone deaf to the codes of any given art and she only wants to give me––

to give me away

like the child with construction-paper hearts, fresh cut in love and decorated with such glee that the glue hasn’t even dried yet and the glitter is falling all over the carpet, and she wants to to pair these with flowers she found on the side of the neighbor’s apartment, the ones she doesn’t know enough to call weeds––and she is so eager to give them away––

like she is eager to give me away

to anyone who is
near, like Here!
Like, Take this! It’s for you!

And I sit here, cool only when I keep her from the assembly she wants to give me to, in love––the hot, messy, extra, weedy, bleeding abundance of this embarrassing form–– knowing that as soon as we go out there she is going to try it again.

And I hear.

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