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nevermore

in neverland: a retrospective

Nevermore near Never-Never Land had waited, abiding, until Time was done. Before she was Nevermore she was Space and she was here, tasting like soil & salt, iron & leaf, fruit & flesh.

No, she insisted, she did not need another distant photo of herself framed with an airy sentiment in glass. But Time and his countrymen either did not hear or did not care. She shrugged, sighed.

Before she was called Nevermore by the keepers of the Neverlands, she had been an endless, renewing enough: of water, bird, breath, wave, weed, gale, flame, and rain––wanting only to be tended, absorbed, heard, caught, ridden, warmed into, and met with open hands.

The Neverlanders thought instead to take and stake her, carving their names, instead projecting upon her the warped and boundless entropies of their endlessly whirring heads, as if to spin away from gravity herself where she palmed the souls of them at their feet.

Sigh again, winds, for those who can imagine no space greater than the ones between their ever-stopped ears, that neglect who is before them ever, in favor of Somedays and One Days and Next Times, claiming to Finally See.

––Until Nevermore, at the end of their Time, stopped hoping they would ever get around to the real work of tending, preoccupied as they were with their confidence and confidences.

She would retreat beneath the soils of herself again, fold her wet through running sands, run her rivers underground. Time went up and out––away, away––storming plans for monuments to legacies.

Sigh again, no longer asking for a hand to come for the tending, that wave now whisper, stay, to meet at last the rock of those waiting shores, and carve another layer smoother ––in.

notes on suspension

in limbo

Sometimes you hear something that sounds  like the thing you always wanted to be true,  and you wish you could fold the words of it inside you and nurse them into full release, winged and alive, even when they land with the weight of the dead. You wonder at the animation of  the severed appendage that does not know it yet.

A lifetime student in the practice of devotion makes me disposed toward believing against what some would call my better judgement. The weakness comes from being honed toward reframing the unseen, from nothing and just an illusion by a lens bent on recognizing both as possible sites of some becoming still dark. This tendency has invited a great deal of trouble. I still don’t know what it all means. I suspect I won’t, ever.

How often I might have died by the hand of who I thought might yet live. This when the vessel by all accounts (including several often-repeated sentences), seemed bent on killing me. I am frightened, looking back, to accept how little this frightened me. I wanted only what I always wanted which was to heal the wound of severance from her origin, but I had misunderstood the equation. I remembered only part of the delivery, and repeated its final words. Take this body, I thought, and meant it, meaning to emulate the prayer I most revered. I give it up to you.  I did not think any further, about my rights in what I gave and to whom, and my responsibilities for getting both right. I thought if I could get the giving part over with, I might be saved. I was profoundly wrong. Even the self-professed sufferers, it turns out, want the easy route––[strike that/ rephrase to avoid diluting responsibility]. I thought if I could just find a way to give it all away, the rest would follow.  Awareness of this leaves me poised to accept that in any given moment, I may be profoundly wrong. A fact that either aggravates or sustains the situation. I am not sure that I will ever, in my current form, be able to tell which. 

Giving it all away is one thing. Being careful about how and when is another. To be human is to be suspended in constant limbo until death, between the not-yet, the undead, and those other, transcendent states. So am I.

& now this

yes, and. . . ?

how broken a body
must be from her remembered warmth
to find herself leaning in like this

what mouth so long
silenced learns to round the sound of her
lover’s name well enough to footprint the air

between them into shadow
lines suggestive of the mystery of why
it is so fraught to be a body here

longing in chorus
along ancient lines of undulating tones
over water, cavern, tundra, moor

into the next breath coming
to touch her with finally something
so long past the melt of seeming sure

into the hot mystery of skins
so sudden
& here

& hear
me now
i call you lover

come hurry
it is time now set me
as a seal upon

it all take it all
i give it up
to you know

say me back
or leave me
here

where matter
is what does not
beyond this place

where i
see you
seeing into here asking

where i
to respond
must grow limbs of song

to run
after the endings that come
and come upon us even now & i––

in this one day ever
hope to answer
my unutterable word

before here

what beyond there

And then in the hush, a shift
stops the pen, suddenly exhausted
by the weight of what preceded it.
There are not enough words
to make a wall between now
and what is lost. No sense
running for another stone
to prop up against the last
already threatening to give.
The only steps that matter now
are into a nonspace with no
road to lead you anywhere
and yet the only here
there is when you leave
that other one.

dear might be

in close proximity, unhearing

i imagine sometimes
you as your almost-believable avatar who
one day opens an imagined door
or ears to hear, to let them, to all you do
not––
inside or out in these eons between us
and your almost-never, the moment
of this blaring nevermind, i train her
back to soundproof cellars
of some other time
promising to visit.

origin songs

& whose word

strange unseen dark of this body
heartbeating unto her first word

and it was good
and it was listen

all this before the hour of tower lights
and high walls blaring admonitions

ripe for falling from and that followed
and with it the word forbidden and us

tumbling after
& now is a good time to remember

how in the beginning
before the word

was her hearing
like come